Funeral Etiquette 101 - Cell Phones, Condolence Calls, Attire, What is Proper & Appropriate and What's Not?
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The Downfall of Manners and Civilization
The death of my father two weeks ago and my attendance this past weekend at his wake and his funeral service, have left behind some pretty disturbing impressions about how lax we have become about things like respect, proper etiquette, and plain old fashioned good manners. From the relative who had, before my father's body had even been removed from the room, begun to point out to me which pieces of furniture from his bedroom suite she would like to have; To the fussy toddler, who was put down on the floor during the viewing and left to run around with virtually no parental supervision; To the relative who arrived three- quarters of an hour late, disrupted the service, and then marched with her entourage of three others up the center aisle of the chapel to the casket during a moment of silent prayer and reflection; To the attendee who not only answered their phone during the graveside service, but continued their discussion, at a volume loud enough to compete with the pastor, throughout the presentation of the flag and the reciting of the 23rd psalm; I witnessed behavior that would have made Miss Manners hair stand on end, and left me pondering whether or not some of us have become so self-involved that we are becoming incapable of deciphering the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior?
"I don't want to sound old fashioned or outdated, but I can't help wondering if my grandmother might not have been right when she said that "with the down fall of good manners, will come the downfall of civilization ," I said to my best-girlfriend late Saturday night as we were cleaning up the last remnants of the after funeral gathering at my house.
"I know," she replied, "people don't seem to care about that sort of thing anymore. When we were kids, our moms cooked casseroles and brought them to the family. When my uncle died a few months ago, I was the only one who brought food to the house. if we don't teach our children any different, than it is only going to get worse."
I went to bed thinking about what my friend had said. When I woke up the next morning, I was thinking that maybe it wasn’t just our children who were in need of an education in manners and etiquette, perhaps some adults were in need of a refresher course as well..
Glossary of Funeral Related Terms
Eulogy
| Usually delivered by a family member, a close friend, or a member of the clergy, the Eulogy is a speech or written piece that reflects upon the life and personality of the deceased.
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Funeral Procession/Cortege
| The procession of friends and relatives from the funeral home or place of worship to the graveside. Often accompanied by a police escort.
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Funeral Service
| A service of remembrance held either at a place of worship, or at a funeral home, with the deceased present. Rituals will vary according to religious denomintation
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Honorary Pall Bearers
| Honorary escorts who walk along side the pallbearers and are not actively involved in carrying the casket. Often used in the funerals of the those who had been active in politics, business, church or civic circles, and usually a relative, close friend, church member or business associate of the deceased.
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Mass Cards
| Especially prevalent in Roman Catholic Families, a Mass card is a card that is sent to the family of the deceased to inform them that the sender has arranged for a Mass to be said in the memory of their loved one.
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Memorial Donations
| A contribution to a specific cause or charity made in honor or memory of the deceased, usually in lieu of flowers.
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Memorial Service
| A service of remembrance held without the body present, it usually takes place in a funeral home or place of worship. Is sometimes referred to as a Celebration of Life.
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Military Funeral Honors
| Graveside ceremony of an American Armed Forces Veteran to honor their service to their country. Military Funeral Honors include an Honor Guard of at least two active duty service members, and includes the folding of and the presentation of the flag to the next of kin, and the playing of "Taps" by a bugler. In some cases the ceremony may be performed by the members of the local VFW or American Legion, and may also include a 21 Gun Salute.
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Obituary
| The notice of a person's death, usually found in the newspaper, and most often including a short biographical account and the notation of survivors. It often times includes the place and time of the viewing and the funeral or memorial service.
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Pallbearers
| A member of the escort or honor guard who helps to carry the coffin of the deceased; Usually a relative, close friend, church member, or business associate of the deceased.
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Private Service
| A service held either at a place of worship, a funeral home, or graveside, where attendance is by invitation only.
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Sympathy Cards
| A greeting card, sent to the family of the deceased, which expresses sympathy and lets the family know that they are in the thoughts others.
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Viewing/Wake
| A vigil held over the body of the deceased the night before the burial, it usually coincides with the visitation, and provides an opportunity for the friends, associates and extended family members to pay their last respects, and to visit with the family.
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Visitation
| A designated time for friends and acquaintances to offer condolences and pay their last respects to the family. Usually at the funeral home or mortuary, and usually coinciding with the viewing or wake.
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To Call or Not to Call? The Guidelines for Condolence Calls
A condolence call is simply a visit to the home of the family of the deceased by a close friend, neighbor, or extended family member to offer comfort, sympathy and assistance. A condolence visit may take place at any time within the first few weeks following the death of a loved one, and based upon circumstance, and the nature of the visitors relationship to the family, may also be followed up with an additional visit or visits. The length of the visit may vary anywhere from one to several hours, and the criteria for determining that length should be based upon the visitors relationship with the family, or the needs of the family in mourning.
How May I Help You?
Whether a loved one passes suddenly, or following a long and drawn out illness, their passing leaves in its wake a multitude of tasks and details that must be seen to. When these tasks are combined with grief and every day activities, the family member may feel overwhelmed. There are many small ways in which your help would be readily accepted and appreciated.
You might offer to put together a PowerPoint presentation of family pictures to be played at the funeral or memorial service, run an errand, or make phone calls. Maybe you could offer to watch their children so that they would be free to make arrangements, offer to walk their dog, pick up their dry cleaning, or mow and water their lawn. A family that is grieving and trying to deal with funeral arrangements may not be thinking about eating or preparing meals, and so one way that you can assist the family is to prepare a meal that can be frozen and re-heated at a later time. Casseroles, or other foods that offer large portions or servings, and require little to no preparation are best. If the family is to have a gathering post-funeral, then you may want to offer to bring something for that
Another really helpful gesture would be to offer to stay back from the funeral and watch any children whose parents have decided are too young to attend the service.
What is Not Appropriate
· Inquiring About the Cause of Death; If the family wants you to know, then they will tell you, but it is in extremely bad to taste to walk up to a grieving widow, spouse, or other family members and ask them how their loved one died.
· Inquiring as to What Monies and or Assets the Deceased May or May Not Have Left Behind; It is not appropriate in ANY social setting to inquire about one’s personal finances. Enough said.
· Inquiring as to What Has Been Bequeathed To Who; Again, if they want you to know, they will inform you. If you are a person who might be a beneficiary of the deceased, or who believes that the deceased may have left something of sentiment to you, be patient, I am sure that you will be notified at the proper time, and rest assured, during a condolence call, IS NOT the right time.
· Requesting That You Be Allowed to Take a "Keepsake" of the Deceased From The Home; No, I am unfortunately not kidding. I have personally witnessed incidents in which both friends and extended family members of the dearly departed loved one have wandered through the home of the family during a condolence call eyeing every knick-knack and family photo as though they were shopping in Ikea; (during a condolence call following the death of my own grandmother, the daughter of my grandmother's longtime friend, asked to be allowed to take all four shelves of my grandmother's miniature clown collection, most of which had been given to my grandmother as gifts from her grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and assuming that she could have them, asked a flabbergasted me for a box to pack them in, as she began right then and there to pack up not only the clowns, but the four hanging glass shelves on which they sat!) Please remember that this is someone's home and not your local Wal-Mart!
· Answering Your Cell Phone in the Presence of the Bereaved; If you must answer, then please remember to excuse yourself and step outside, and even then try to remember that you are there to offer comfort and support to the family, and try to keep your call short.
· Texting, FaceBook, Tweeting, Games Just like answering your cell phone, texting, updating your social networking status, and playing games on your cell phone are not appropriate activities during a condolence call. Try to remember that you are there to offer comfort and assistance to the grieving family, and keep your focus on them.
What Is Appropriate
· Expressing your sympathy; Whether verbally or by way of sympathy card or hand written note, it is appropriate during a condolence call to express your sympathy and offer comfort to the bereaved.
· Sharing Your Memories of The Deceased; It is appropriate to relate your memories of the deceased to his or her family. Try telling them a funny antidote, or relating a story that highlights the deceased's personality.
· Offering Your Help or Assistance; It is appropriate to offer help and assistance at this time; Along with suggestions I've mentioned above, you may want to offer to set up for the post-funeral gathering or to clean up afterwards. When my mother died, our home was under construction, and so my god-parents offered to have the gathering in their home.
· Bring a Gift of Food; It is appropriate to bring a prepared meal or maybe a cake or cookies or other snack food that can be shared with other callers. The family of the deceased should not have to worry about entertaining those who are calling on them.(If possible, you may want to coordinate with others who will be making condolence calls, and perhaps someone could bring paper plates, plastic silverware, or napkins, which would also spare the family from worrying about dishes and clean up.)
· Bringing Flowers, Plants,or Other Expressions of Your Gifts That Convey Your Support or Sympathy; Although most people wait until the viewing or the funeral, it is appropriate to send or bring flowers or a live plant, or another gift to the family that conveys your support. (Perhaps a special photo that you would like to share, or a Mass Card, etc.)
· Offering a Sympathetic Ear or A Shoulder to Cry On; It is appropriate and most appreciated, to offer a sympathetic ear, a hug, or a shoulder to cry on, as In some cases the family members of the deceased just need someone to listen to their memories or their expression of grief.
Viewing or Wake? Negotiating the Visitation
Whether you refer to it as a viewing, a wake, or a visitation, when someone dies, there is often a scheduled period of time prior to the funeral service where friends and family are invited to pay their last respects, view the body of the deceased, and pay their condolences to the family. It is a tradition that stems from the tradition of the old Irish Wake, when the deceased were laid out at home, and then family members, friends, and neighbors would come to the family home to view the body, comfort the family, and say some good things about the departed before carrying him off to the graveyard. Now days of course, this is usually done at the mortuary or funeral home, and for the most part it is known as a viewing and visitation. In either case, it is usually held the day and evening before the funeral is to take place. If there has been an obituary placed in the local newspaper, it may give the dates and the times of both the viewing and the funeral.
The viewing and visitation is a good time for co-workers, associates, church members, etc., to pay their respects not only to the deceased, but also to the family. This is especially true if you are someone who perhaps only knew the decedent through work, or through a social organization, but did not know the family very well.
The viewing is a somber and quiet event, and is meant for silent prayer and reflection on the life of the departed. In some cases the family of the deceased may wish to escort you to the casket to view their loved one.
What is Not Appropriate
- Cell Phones; Just as with the condolence call, it is not appropriate to answer your cell phone inside the viewing room. It is also not appropriate for your the ringing of your phone to disrupt the prayers or meditations of others. Please turn off your ringer prior to entering, or if you are able, don't bring it into the room in the first place.
- Texting, Facebook, Tweeting, Games; Same rules still apply for game playing, texting, and updating social networking status; Do it somewhere else please!
- Children at Viewing and Visitation; While I believe that deciding whether or not one's children should be included should be left to the discretion of the parents of said child, I also believe that parents should be responsible for the behavior of the children should they choose to allow them to attend. Some of this is just common sense and old fashioned good-manners; If your baby is screaming, then please take him or her outside until they are through so as not to disturb the prayers and meditations of others. If you have a toddler, please do not put them down in the middle of the viewing room, and leave them to wander around without parental supervision, and please do not allow them to interrupt the prayers and meditations of others. No matter your child's age, if they are attending the viewing and visitation, for the sake of the family you are visiting as well as other families who might be there, please discourage them from running up and down hallways hooting and hollering and making a general nuisance of themselves
What is Appropriate
- Appropriate Attire; Over the last few decades the guidelines for what is and what is not appropriate apparel for events such as viewings and funerals have been greatly relaxed, men are no longer required to wear ties or suit jackets, women and girls can wear pants, and no one is required to wear black; this said however, one should try to exercise common sense and good taste. For instance, bathing suits and flip-flops are probably best suited for the beach or pool, and not for a viewing.
- Expressing Your Sympathy to the Family; When attending a viewing and visitation it is appropriate to express your sympathy to the family and to relate fond memories of the deceased to them. If you are not someone that the family has seen frequently, please be sure that when you approach them to offer condolences that you introduce yourself, and that you tell them how you know the deceased.
- Paying Your Last Respects; It is customary at a viewing that, if the casket is open, you pay your last respects by viewing the body of the deceased; In some cases, a member of the family may wish to escort you to the casket. You may use this time to say a silent prayer or to meditate about the deceased. If the family wishes it, you may say a prayer for the deceased with a member, or members, of the family.
- Leaving Something in the Casket of the Deceased; - Many times when someone passes, we wish to leave a note, picture, or other item in the casket for them as an expression of our grief or in appreciation of their life. If you are not a family member, but wish to leave something, you should consult the family before doing so.
- Visiting With Others Who Are Attending The Viewing; Once you have viewed the body of the deceased, and have visited with the family, It is appropriate to visit quietly outside of the viewing room with other friends, colleagues, or neighbors who are attending the viewing.
The Funeral - Avoiding Funeral Faux Pas
No one really wants to go to a funeral, they just aren't fun; But just about everyone has to attend at least one or two in their lifetime. A funeral is a service of remembrance that is held either in a house of worship, or at a funeral home. Except in cases where the family has requested a private burial, it is often followed by a graveside service and the burial. While the funeral of a loved one is a sad and somber affair, it does have many beneficial aspects for the family and friends of the deceased, such as allowing for closure and for an outlet of their grief. The standard funeral will include a eulogy, a sermon or message, and one last opportunity for the mourners to pay their last respects. The casket of the deceased is usually carried by six to eight pallbearers from the church to the hearse and from the hearse to the grave site. Rituals will vary according to religious beliefs and denominational differences.
What is Not Appropriate
- Cell Phones; Just as they are not appropriate during a condolence call or at a viewing, a ringing cell phone is not appropriate at a funeral. Answering and talking on your cell phone during a funeral is also not appropriate, and just in case it isn't clear to some of you, it is not appropriate to pull your ringing cell phone out of your bra and have a conversation during the graveside or burial service, it is just plain rude and disrespectful!
- Texting, Facebook, Tweeting, Games; A funeral is a service of remembrance, it is a sacred affair and usually a religious one as well. It is meant to be a time of prayer and reflection and so no, you should not be texting, playing a game, or updating your social network status during a funeral.
- Talking During the Service; Talking to your neighbor, or to the old friend across the aisle who you haven't seen in a year, while someone is being eulogized, or while the clergyman is speaking, or during a moment of silent prayer is not appropriate. You should have been taught in kindergarten that it is rude to speak while someone else is talking.
- Cutting in Front of the Immediate Family During the Cortege or Funeral Procession; In everything in life there is an order to things, and in the realm of the Cortege or funeral procession, the hearse which is carrying the deceased is followed by the car or cars that are carrying the immediate family. Be patient and wait your turn.
- Cutting in Front of the Immediate Family for the Procession to the Grave Site; The immediate family is supposed to be directly behind the casket as it is being carried to the grave site. It is absolutely inappropriate to cut in front of the immediate family during the procession to the grave site.
- Sitting in the Front Row of Chairs at the Grave Site; Usually the funeral home or the cemetery personnel have placed a small grouping of chairs at the grave site for members of the family of the deceased to sit in during he graveside ceremony, it is inappropriate for you to sit in the first row of chairs if you are not a member of the immediate family, unless you have been asked to by the family.
What is Appropriate
- Appropriate Funeral Attire; While it is true that the standards for appropriate funeral attire have been relaxed in recent years and unless forbidden for religious reasons, women may wear slacks and a blouse instead of the traditional skirt or dress. Men no longer are required to wear a tie and jacket. Apparel should be modest, in muted tones or dark colors, and should be clean and without holes. Flip-flops should be avoided because not only are they too casual, but the noise that they make when one walks might be disturbing or offensive to other mourners.
- Flowers, Plants, Memorial Gifts; Often times the family will ask that instead of sending flowers, that you send a memorial gift. A memorial gift is usually a donation to a specific charity or research organization. If you do send a donation in the name of the deceased, the organization that you made the contribution to will usually send a card to the family informing them of the gift that has been made in the name of the deceased. If you wish to send flowers, a plant, as a gesture of respect for the deceased, you may send it either to the home of the family of the deceased, or you may have it delivered to the mortuary or church where the funeral is to take place. It is also acceptable to bring your gift to funeral, but if you are going to do that, you should arrive a bit earlier so that the flowers can be placed at the alter without disrupting the service
- Expressing Sympathy to the Family of the Deceased: Just as with the condolence call and the viewing and visitation, you should express your sympathies to the family of the deceased, remembering to introduce yourself if you are an acquaintance of the deceased and not of the family.
-Kristen Burns-Darling ©September 2011(all rights reserved)
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@Dixie - Thank you for the generosity of your time and for your comments, they are both welcomed and appreciated!
Kristen
So sorry about your father.
Lots of good advice. I have seen women wear cropped pants to funerals and weddings and their not even the dressy kind. It's sure not like it use to be.
When my grandmother died and her furniture was moved they found name tags on the back of pieces of furniture and she had not put the names there. These same people took those pieces and never used them just didn't want other family members to have them.
@moonlake - I used to smile at my grandmother and patronize her with a "um-hum Nana," whenever she would say that civilization was going to fall from lack of good-manners, but as I've grown older, I have begun to see her point. My teen-aged children were more appropriately dressed and much better behaved than some of my adult relatives who should know better. Despite society's turn away from old fashioned manners and good taste, I have taught my children, as my parents and grandparents had taught me, and hopefully one day, they will teach their own children, and I know that many of my friends have done the same, perhaps in that way perhaps the spirit of etiquette will be kept alive and my grandmother's prediction that civilization will fall will not come to pass. Thank you for the generosity of your time, your kindness, and your comments, they are both welcomed and deeply appreciated.
Kristen
This is a wonderful and informative Hub. I hope many people will read it and learn how to be respectful. The lack of manners is appalling to me. I am continually amazed how rude and thoughtless people can be.
This article should be given away in pamphlets at funeral homes, just out in the lobby for east access!
@Hyphenbird - Hello Hyphenbird, and thank you for brightening my day! I have to say that I couldn't agree with you more, people have become so self-involved that they no longer worry about manners or etiquette or the way that certain things should be done. People no longer think about ripple effect or how their actions might affect another. I am glad that you enjoyed this hub, and I thank you for the generosity of your time and for your comments, they are both welcomed and appreciated.
Kristen
Hi K, I had not seen you for awhile and I wondered how you were going with your Dad. I am sorry to hear that he passed; I know how much you loved him. You cared for him so well and I admire you for doing that.
Funerals seem to be the time when people behave the oddest. I don't know why many seem to have no inkling of etiquette. Perhaps it is because they were not taught to consider others. At any rate, this hub is a needed one and well written just like all the rest that you write.
Again,I am sorry about your father. I would hug you if I could. Take care of yourself and your family,
North Wind.
Firstly, my condolences for the loss of your father- it's not much fun. I think most families experience some "bad behaviour" during death and funerals. The only way I have come to terms with it is that people do not know how to act and are embarrassed or down right scared and so react extremly. Having heard so many stories nothing shocks me now about peoples behaviour! Lovely hub and it will get better as time passes.
Some really good advice. My niece who Mom and Dad adopted wanted to read a poem at my Dad's funeral and besides looking like a hooker, the poem made no sense, lasted forever and she embarrassed the whole family. But maybe it helped take away the awfulness of it as far as memories since that comes to mind rather than my dad laying there.
@NorthWind - Hello friend, yes, I've been away for three or four weeks now, first because Dad was doing so poorly that I was nursing him round the clock, and just couldn't concentrate long enough to finish anything, I swear that in those first couple of weeks, I started at least ten separate hubs and couldn't finish any of them, it was the writing in five minute increments that was killing me. And then of course when he passed I was focused on his service, but I am back now, and have so many great hubs to catch up on! Thank you so much for the generosity of your time, your kindness, and your comments, they brighten my day and are always welcomed and deeply appreciated!
Thanks Again,
Kristen
My condolences to you on the death of your father. Good manners probably would save the world, but if we can't get them together enough to go to a funeral, that's probably not likely. I think offering help in a concrete fashion is so important, instead of the "how can I help?" Most people when in the immediate aftermath of death really don't know how someone can help and it becomes more of a burden to come up with something for the friend to do. Offer to feed walk their dogs. Offer to take their clothes to the drycleaner. Bring nonperishable snacks. Water/mow their lawn. Bring 'frozen' food so that it doesn't have to be eaten right away. No one needs ten banana breads all on the same day. I hope you find time to take a breath and do more writing.
I'm sorry for your loss, a Father can never be replaced. I am amazed how rude some can be, esp' the greed after a loved one is gone. I have a new car and i stipulated in my will that it is to be given to my Grandson, when my Son informed him of this, his first words were , Oh, what kind is it? I must say that it hurt my feelings a bit. I know that my Grandson loves me, but still.... and he is young. Thank you for sharing really good info....
You have my deepest sympathy for your loss. It is a sad day when such a hub is needed and it truly is needed. Manners are becoming increasingly more rare as our society becomes more fragmented and apathetic. This was organized, practical, informative, useful and well presented. Thank you.
@CASE1WORKER - Thank you so much for the gift of your time, your kindness, and your comments, they are deeply appreciated. I agree with you that there is going to be some reactionary bad behavior at a funeral, but even allowing for that, some of the things that went on at my dad's service last week were beyond reactionary, and just plain rude; When did we slip so far down this slippery slope that it became okay to answer your cell phone in the middle of a graveside service, and continue to have a conversation that lasts all the way through the 23rd Psalm? I just keep hearing my grandmother..."with the downfall of good manners will come the downfall of civilization." Thank you again
Kristen
@Jackie Lynnley - I can see where you have a point, and sometimes being able to look backward and laugh at something that happens, does make the heart less heavy, you know what they say; Laughter is the best medicine. I just don't know how long it will take before I reach that point. Thank you so much for the generosity of your time, your kindness, and your comments, they are always welcome and deeply appreciated.
Kristen
@JBurgraff - Thank you for the generosity of your time, your kindness and your comments, they are all welcomed and deeply appreciated. I agree with you that concrete offers are better, but at the time that I was writing this, I just couldn't make myself think of any. With your permission, I would like to add some of yours to this hub. On food, I also agree with you that frozen, or at least freezer friendly is best. My dad, sister and I lived off of the food brought for our freezer for weeks following the death of my mother. Thanks again
Kristen
@ Always Exploring - Thank you for your kindness. I concur with your observation, and I too am awed and disturbed by the level of rudeness and disrespect that we have fallen too. Thank you as always, for the generosity of your time and your comments, they are as always both welcomed and deeply appreciated.
Thanks Again
Kristen
@poetvix - Thank you so much for the generosity of your time, your kindness, and your comments, they are welcomed and deeply appreciated. It is frightening to think about where we are headed when so many are so self-involved that we no longer can distinguish between what is and is not inappropriate behavior. Thanks Again,
Kristen
My sympathy over the death of your father. What you described is appalling at the such an important time when everyone needs to be on the same page. The only bad things I have seen are family members fighting over furniture at a wake and then fighting over a will and the sale of the deceased's home. It is such a sad time, and people are becoming so selfish in this day and age. So many people have lost compassion that is is frightening. Take care and thanks for sharing.
@brake12 - Thank you for your kindness. It is a tragedy that at a time when people should be pulling together to support one another, that some are so self-involved that they cannot see what effect their behavior has on those around them. Just as in many other areas of life, it seems that even during the mourning process, it is every man for himself. A sad commentary on the state of the world that we are living in. Thank you again for the generosity of your time, your kindness, and your comments, they are all welcomed and deeply appreciated.
Kristen
....well my mum and dad were my two best friends and after my dad died in 1992 with lung cancer I managed to look after my mum for 12 good years until 2004. I am in this world now with no family but better to have loved than not to have loved at all - and I have no regrets and am fully blessed in that sense - so this is my moment to extend my arms to you and a cyber hug and tell you how very sorry I am to hear about your beloved father - I have read about your trials and tribulations over the past year at the Hub but I also know that 'your' dad was so incredibly fortunate to have a wonderful caring loving daughter like you - and I hope sincerely in these trying times for you and your family it's these memories which will carry you through.
A most enlightening subject here that you have written about - this reads like an essential primer, if you will, of the do's and the dont's and a piece of journalism which establishes in my eyes as a world class writer.
Nice to see you back at the Hub and I always love hearing from you my friend.
lake erie time ontario canada - 12:50pm a little on the cooler fall side, yikes!!!
Epi - You may not have any family with you, but you do have your Hub family, and we all love you. Thank you so much for your kindness. The last 5 or 6 years have been a long a difficult journey for both my dad and I, and although I miss him like crazy, he was ready to go, and he was at peace, and he was smiling when he left us, and there is some comfort in that. It is good to be back my friend, and I have so much to catch up on, that I don't know how I will ever get back to writing.
Kristen
Kristen,
I know from your previous writings how close you were with your Dad and I am so sorry to hear that he is not with you. I'm glad to hear through your comments that you have some comfort in knowing that he was ready to go and smiling.
Your hub here is great and one that everyone should read. Best wishes to you on your journey . . .
Sharyn
@Sharyn's Slant - Sharyn, Thank you very much for your kindness, and the generosity of your comments, like you, they are deeply appreciated.
Thanks Again,
Kristen
What a fantastic, helpful, informative Hub! If only I had come across this information sooner.
@Simone Smith - Thank you Simone, I am glad to be of service. I had been noticing some of these improper behaviors over the last several years, but the behavior of some of my own family members at my dad's wake and service really spurred me to write it. I am glad that you enjoyed it. Thanks again for the generosity of your time and comments, they are welcomed and deeply appreciated!
Kristen
K.,
BRAVO!!! This needed to be said!
P.S. you are right children should not be at the viewing. I have seen children traumatized by this.
Michelle
@michelleonly3 - . My dad was an Alzheimer's patient and lived with us, I had been his primary caregiver since before my 4 year old daughter was born, and she was here at the house when he died. She knew that he was going to die, and we have had a lot of talks about what happens when you die, and where your soul goes, and she went in and said good-bye to him with her sister and I before they took his body to the mortuary. The morning of the viewing she asked me where Grandpa's body was, and I told her that he was at the mortuary, and she asked, "and now his soul is in heaven with my grandma who's an angel?" and I said yes, and I asked her if she wanted to go to the chapel to see is body one more time, and she thought about it for a minute and said "no, he's already in heaven with grandma." and so I left it at that. If she had wanted to go, I would have brought her for a little bit, but would not have kept her there. I think she would have been more traumatized by the grieving of the adults than seeing the body. I think that when it comes to funerals and wakes, etc., each parent has to decide for him or herself what the best policy is, and even then I would let the child lead. My older kids were 2 & 3 when my grandmother died, and I chose to not allow them at the viewing or at the funeral, but they were not as well prepared at that age for what was happening as their sister was. Thank you so much for the generosity of your time and your comments, they are always welcomed and deeply appreciated!
Kristen
A great and much needed Hub. In the span of three years, I lost four members of my family, so I was very familiar with funeral processes by the end of the fourth. I have to say that we in the south are trying to cling to traditions in this modern time. We pull over on the side of the road when a funeral procession is passing, we bring tons of food over to the family and many people still dress in traditional black. BUT, we have also found that those individuals that have not, as we say here, been well-bred, display appalling behavior at funerals. My husband recently went to a funeral and someone actually brought their lunch into the service with them. And they were thirty minutes late so making an entrance holding a McDonald's bag and drink was seen by all. Thanks for your contribution to good manners!
I'm so sorry for the loss of the your father. Thank you for writing this Hub. This should be a handout for all those attending a wake or funeral. You have covered everything so well.
@mvillecat - You're very welcome, I am always glad to do my part. My daddy was born and raised in Texas, all of my extended family still reside there,and I spent a part of all of my summers growing up there, and even though I was born in Southern California, my roots are all southern. I've always suspected that it's the reason I often feel like a square peg in round hole... My mother taught me that it was in extremely bad taste to comment on the bad behavior of others, so I saved it all up and it resulted in this hub. I am glad that you liked it. Thank you so much for the generosity of your time,and for your comments, they are both welcomed and deeply appreciated.
Kristen
@Robin - Thank you for the generosity of your time, your kindness, and your comments, they are all welcomed and deeply appreciated.
Kristen
That is so shameful the poor manners you had to deal with during a difficult time. Hopefully someone spoke to these individuals later. It is rather telling when it has to be written out as to what is NOT appropriate.
@tarrka1089 - It was defiantly a challenge to deal with during what was probably the second worst week of my life. I know that I didn't say anything, my mother always insisted that it was in bad taste to comment upon the bad behavior of others, I just saved it all up, came home, and wrote this hub! Thank you so much for the gift of your time, your kindness, and your comments, they are always welcomed and appreciated.
Kristen
good hub
My condolences on the death of your father and I wish you a long life. You have put into words what many people have been thinking and I thank you for that. There can never be any excuse for bad manners and to exhibit them at such a time as you have experienced shows a complete lack of sympathy. I am sure your father, God be good to him, is now in heaven and feeling very proud that he has raised such a decent person.
So sorry about the loss of your Dad. Thanks so much for this hub. I too believe many people have forgotten or have never been schooled on good manners. Sad to think much of what you said should be common knowledge; that which cannot be taught. You either have it or you don't.I'm glad you have reminded people how to be at their best and most appropriate behavior and to show respect at such a difficult time and during the significant events following ones departure.
Considered as hub of the day - Congratulations!
Feeling sorry on the death of your father.
Nice hub with great inputs for those who lack the required etiquette. Voted up and awesome.
Sad that most of these aren't common sense anymore. Sorry for the loss of your father. Very good hub.
I'm sorry for the loss of your father, and that experiencing poor manners first hand prompted you to write this article. You have written a very good guide, not only on good funeral etiquette, but a helpful guide for things that friends can do to be helpful. So often when someone dies, people want to help and just don't know how.
It's too bad that reminders about appropriate behavior is even necessary, particularly that about cell phone use, but it is. At one viewing we attended recently, we were greeted at the door by staff of the funeral home who quietly asked everyone to turn off cell phones.
Congratulations on your well-deserved nomination for Hub of the Day.
Great hub on a sad and needful topic. You mention that people will have to attend at least 1 or 2 funerals in their lifetime. My wife died in jan of 08. She was only 51. later that year I attended the funeral of my sister's boy he was 28, then later my other sister's boy who was 42. 08 was a BAD year.
Anyway my wife died sat morning, the following day at church one of the members offered me this bit of information, "The single adults meet on monday."
Maybe he figured I could get a date for my wifes funeral wednesday!
Anyway an important hub.
Sorry for the loss of your father. There is one bit of bad etiquette you forgot to put down: No matter the grief, do not drama queen. I've been to funerals where showing grief became a contest to see who "grieved" more. It's disgusting.
Voted Up and Useful. This is an extremely needed hub.
I am so sorry for your loss, it is always difficult to lose a parent. It amazes me how callous some people can be during this time especially other family members. I feel proper funeral etiquette is being lost through the generations. I just lost my Mother earlier this year, and I know she would of been so disappointed and embarrassed over the actions of some. This is an amazing Hub.
My condolences for the loss of your father. I do applaud you for having the courage to write this after such a distressing moment in your life and you're right.. nowadays funerals are not as sacred like before and its yet another mishap of our fallen society.
I hope you find peace and comfort in this difficult time and my prayers go out to you. Great hub, voted it up.
Congratulations on being the Hub of the Day! I echo your sentiments exactly as our society has become very numb to the fact of manners and certain ways things are done. I'm sorry to hear about your father. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
First, let me offer my condolences for the loss of your father. You wrote a well written and highly needed hub. Everyone need to read this hub. Thumbs up.
What an informative and interesting hub. I, too, sadly feel that manners have pretty much gone by the wayside. I appreciated your mentioning things that are appropriate for acknowledging the death of someone. So many times, people really don't know exactly what to do or what is expected of them (if anything) when a friend or relative dies.
Thanks for sharing your story and my condolences on the loss of your father.
K., I am sorry to hear about the loss of your father. Appreciate you sharing these tips about funeral and bereavement etiquette. If everyone acted with respect, these reminders wouldn't be necessary, but as too many of us have learned, respect has lost its value to many people.
People should act appropriate at funerals, but people are people, and some how I know with certainty there has been some bad behavior at funerals through out the history of the world. I just never like to make the wide sweeping comments such as, this generation is the downfall of society. I think in many ways we have evolved as a people over the last few hundred years. For instance, we now stand in line at stores, and a few hundred years ago people might push and shove just to get to the front. There are still some places where that behavior happens every day.
Kristen, my condolences on the loss of your dad after a long illness. On my own father's side of the family, death after the suffering of a protracted terminal illness was cause for celebration that the deceased was finally free of pain and in a much better place. Hence, funerals on that side were more akin to roasts. Instead of a eulogy, family members would tell funny stories about the deceased. Happy memories. Very uplifting for family and close friends, but quite off-putting for those expecting a sad, solemn service.
Still, young children and cell phones were to be left elsewhere for the funeral itself and the graveside service, but it was "okay" to bring either or both to the traditional luncheon afterwards at the church hall.
My mother's side of the family, on the other hand, were the original drama queens, males and females alike. The minute a death was announced on that side, Kleenex stock went through the roof. Where all the tears came from is beyond me, especially when the deceased had be at death's door for several years. They'd carry on (and on and on) like the death was totally unexpected, a big surprise.
Trying to snag possessions of the deceased even before the funeral is especially tacky when the deceased's spouse is still alive and will continue to live in their shared home. When a friend's mother died, a daughter who'd refused to visit her parents for most of her adult life showed up with people to carry off as much furniture and other items as the truck they came in would hold, as if the dad didn't exist. Of course, the new widower stopped them from taking anything, and there's now a plan in place to keep them from stripping the house when he dies.
I do wonder what sort of behavior is expected of mourners now that cremation, to avoid the high cost of a funeral, has become the norm in many areas.
Thank you for posting this! I have noticed that people are not as respectful as they should be and perhaps should be educated on such manners before attending a funeral/wake or other sensitive ritual. Also, I am so sorry for your loss and hope you find comfort and solace in the coming months. Very well written!
Kristen,my heartfelt condolences to you and your family on the death of your father.
This is a very well written hub which many will find useful. Today, most do not bother to follow the correct etiquette for any occasion, particularly @ funerals.So glad you wrote this one.
@hassan ismaeil - Thank you so much for the generosity of your time and for your comment, they are both welcomed and deeply appreciated.
Kristen
@rural exile - Thank you so much for the gift of your time, your kindness, and your comments, they are all welcomed and deeply appreciated. My mother taught me that it was in very bad taste to comment upon the bad behavior of others, so it was a great exercise of will that kept me from saying anything at my dad's service, but all that pent up shock and frustration left me with the idea for this hub. I suppose it is true that there is a silver lining to every dark cloud.
Thanks again,
Kristen
@pedrn44 - Thank you so much for your kindness, the gift of your time, and your comments, they are all welcomed and deeply appreciated. It seems to me, that in some cases, people have just not been taught the difference between right and wrong, while in others, (where I know for a fact they were taught how to behave properly), people have just become so self-involved they do not care. Maybe someone who has not been taught will see this hub, and know the difference; But as for those who just don't care, one can hope that recognizing themselves within this hub might shame them into behaving properly when faced with another funeral, but being so self-involved, I am not sure that it will make a difference. Thanks Again!
Kristen
@shampa sadhya - Thank you so very much for your gift of time, your kindness, and your comments, they are all welcomed and deeply appreciated.
Kristen
@weestro- You are right, it is a very sad commentary on how far away we have fallen from the simple values of common courtesy and decency. Thank you so much for the generosity of your time, your kindness, and your comments, they are all welcomed and very deeply appreciated.
Kristen
@ Stephanie Henkel - Thank you so much for the generosity of your time, your kindness, and your comments, they are all welcomed and very much appreciated. It amazes me that we have come so far socially, and yet have fallen so far away from old fashioned good manners and decency. It seems to me that one would not be possible without the other...Thanks again!
Kristen
@ruffryder - I am so sorry for your loss, it always seems to make such a tragedy so much more tragic when we lose our loved ones in the prime of their life, or as young as your wife and your nephew. I had a similar experience in my own family during 1997-1998, when we lost my sister's life-long best friend, my grandmother, my husband's grandfather, my auntie, and my grandfather all in less than twelve months time. Sometimes is does seem as though sorrow and trouble come, as my grandmother used to say, "in bunches, like bananas." Perhaps the person who told you about the church singles meeting meant well, but the way that they approached it was very insensitive, and rather inappropriate. Maybe another hub about what to say and what not to say to the grieving, is in the future? Thank you so much for the generosity of your time, your kindness, and your comments, they are all welcomed and deeply appreciated.
Kristen
@Stephanie Wideman - I did miss that one, and it's a shame because I couldn't agree with you more. I wanted nothing more than for my father to be honored with the beautiful, dignified, and respectful service he so deserved, and while some did try to turn it in to a three ring circus;(including someone who put on just the type of show you are talking about) I feel that by holding my ground and choosing to ignore them, he got just that, in spite of their efforts. Thank you so much for the generosity of your time, your kindness, and your comments, all of which are welcomed and deeply appreciated.
Kristen
@MsDora - Thank you so much for the generosity of your time and for your comments, they are so very welcome and deeply appreciated!
Kristen
@SheliaKay - I am so sorry for your loss, I know first hand how deeply the loss of one's mother can cut, especially for a daughter. Born and raised in Texas, and a United States Marine, my father was a man of a different era, an era in which men were expected to have manners in front of a lady, and respect for things like their elders and the dead. As with your mother, I feel if he had seen the acts of some, he would have been deeply embarrassed and in some cases insulted. It amazes me still that my children (son 17, daughter 16, daughter 4)were better behaved, and more respectful, then some of the adults, and through all of this I had a realization I can't change how others behave, but I can effect my children, and hopefully they will in return educate their children, and so the art of good manners and decency will not completely become the "lost art" of good manner and common decency. Thank you so much for the generosity of your time, your kindness, and your comments, they are all welcomed and deeply appreciated.
Kristen
@HouseSeller - Thank you so much for the generosity of your time, your kindness, your prayers, and your comments, all of which are both welcomed and deeply appreciated. I have come to believe that the only way that we can restore civilized behavior is by educating the next generation, if every person made the effort to educate their own children in proper etiquette, perhaps we can stem the tide. Thank-you again!
Kristen
@applecsmith - Thank you so much for your kindness, the generosity of your time, and your comments, they are all of them, welcomed and very appreciated. Maybe if enough like-minded people ban together, we can turn things around! Thanks again.
Kristen
@melpor - Thank you so much for your kindness, the generosity of your time, and for your comments, they are all most welcome and appreciated.
Kristen
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father at 19; it is a difficult time.
The nicest thing anyone did that day was the lady I babysat for on occasion came over and ran the whole show at our house, organized, served, cleaned up and then smiled and left. Never said a word! When people say, "Let me know if there is anything I can do to help" and then pat your hand and leave...well, that's not really offering is it. My aunts and uncles showed up to their brother's funeral and then never came back to the house because they "hadn't seen each other in a few years". No one offered but, I guess that was more honest.
When DH grandparents died back-to-back recently, the nicest thing anyone did was load us down with food during the viewing. They knew we would be sitting there all day. It was the most thoughtful gift.
And, when my mom passed recently her neighbor, who I didn't know, offered to play a song on her guitar. Cheesy for some but my mom would have liked it. Alot.
I guess sincerity is easy to spot sometimes.
ok - I babbled. Great hub : )
@Esmeow112 - Thank you so much for your kindness, the generosity of your time, and for your comments, they are all very much welcomed and deeply appreciated. Although I wrote about the lack of etiquette following the death of a loved one, it is unfortunately not the only place that I have noticed a lack of manners and appropriate behavior; but I've had such great response to this hub, that it gives me hope for the future... Maybe we aren't as lost as I think that we are. Thank-you again,
Kristen
@LLWoodward - Thank you so much for your kindness, the generosity of your time, and your comments, all of which are welcomed and deeply appreciated; Hopefully, with people like yourself, and others who have so graciously offered their comments and support, society will be reminded of the true value of respect, and we can turn this thing around!
Thanks Again,
Kristen
I am sorry about your loss and I pray that God will give you and your family comfort and peace during this sad time.
You gave great advice in your hub. Sadly, we are living in a rude and tactless society. If people will only use a bit of common sense and have some sensitivity, they wouldn't stand out as being so narcissistic. Personally, I have witnessed the thoughtless and covetous acts of greedy family members after my grandmother and mother’s death, and it makes me wonder if people plan the aggressive takeover of the desired objects way before the person passed away.
Voted up and useful.
@SweetiePie - Thank you so much for the generosity of your time, and for your comments, they are both welcomed and deeply appreciated. I know that you are right, in many ways we have evolved, and you are also right that bad behavior has probably existed at funerals since the beginning of time, but as someone who has attended a unusually large number of funerals in my time, I can also definitely say that the number of acts of bad behavior, and the attitude that the said behavior is okay, have increased at a staggering rate. People are people, and much can be attributed to human nature, but I will always believe in the concept of doing something, or behaving in a certain way, just because you can, doesn't make it appropriate or right. I know that sometimes people will say and do and act inappropriately simply because they can, but I will also always believe that there really is no excuse for being rude or disrespectful, and I will always believe that being able to discern the difference between appropriate and inappropriate is what separates the civilized from the uncivilized. Thank-you again,
Kristen
@JamaGenee - I was eleven when my mother passed, and my dad gave me permission to wear "whatever you think Mommy would like to see you in." So I wore the pretty white sundress with the yellow flowers on it that she had made for me that previous summer. (Yellow chrysanthemums were her favorite flower, yellow for the color of hope, and chrysanthemums because she said that their fluffy rag-top appearance always made her think of them as the clowns of the flower world, which made them cheerful and made her smile.)In my family, we too celebrate the life of those who have passed, and try to keep the perspective that grief is ours, not theirs. My father taught us that death is a part of life, and that life is for the living and must go on, to that end, I have always attempted to keep the histrionics to a minimum, and to remember to laugh through the tears. An attitude that I feel is much more healthy than the alternative. Cell phones at the luncheon, or wake following the funeral are perfectly appropriate, but I still feel that people should use common sense, and excusing oneself from a table to answer their phone, isn't just appropriate at a funeral, but also appropriate when out to dinner or luncheon with friends and family members on any given day. In the case of the relative who was busy telling me which pieces of my parent's bedroom suite (it had belonged to them both when my mother was alive), she would like to have, before my father's body had yet to be removed; This happened in my father's home, my childhood home, and as my father's primary caregiver for the past five years, the home of myself and my family. Making it, in my eyes, somewhat akin to your example where of the living spouse in the home that they shared, right down to the child who hadn't spent much time with the parent (in this case my sibling who had only bothered to see her father 7 minutes out of the last three weeks of his life), being the one to want to cart stuff away. When someone is cremated, (and both of my mother's parents were), there is usually a memorial service, and either a service for the burial or spreading of the ashes, and I have even seen viewing and visitations done, with the deceased being cremated after the viewing, or in some cases before hand, and so no matter the state of the body of the deceased, the same rules of etiquette would certainly apply. Thank-you so much for your kindness, the generosity of your time, and your thought provoking comments, they are all welcomed and deeply appreciated!
Kristen
@JamaGenee - I was eleven when my mother passed, and my dad gave me permission to wear "whatever you think Mommy would like to see you in." So I wore the pretty white sundress with the yellow flowers on it that she had made for me that previous summer. (Yellow chrysanthemums were her favorite flower, yellow for the color of hope, and chrysanthemums because she said that their fluffy rag-top appearance always made her think of them as the clowns of the flower world, which made them cheerful and made her smile.)In my family, we too celebrate the life of those who have passed, and try to keep the perspective that grief is ours, not theirs. My father taught us that death is a part of life, and that life is for the living and must go on, to that end, I have always attempted to keep the histrionics to a minimum, and to remember to laugh through the tears. An attitude that I feel is much more healthy than the alternative. Cell phones at the luncheon, or wake following the funeral are perfectly appropriate, but I still feel that people should use common sense, and excusing oneself from a table to answer their phone, isn't just appropriate at a funeral, but also appropriate when out to dinner or luncheon with friends and family members on any given day. In the case of the relative who was busy telling me which pieces of my parent's bedroom suite (it had belonged to them both when my mother was alive), she would like to have, before my father's body had yet to be removed; This happened in my father's home, my childhood home, and as my father's primary caregiver for the past five years, the home of myself and my family. Making it, in my eyes, somewhat akin to your example where of the living spouse in the home that they shared, right down to the child who hadn't spent much time with the parent (in this case my sibling who had only bothered to see her father 7 minutes out of the last three weeks of his life), being the one to want to cart stuff away. When someone is cremated, (and both of my mother's parents were), there is usually a memorial service, and either a service for the burial or spreading of the ashes, and I have even seen viewing and visitations done, with the deceased being cremated after the viewing, or in some cases before hand, and so no matter the state of the body of the deceased, the same rules of etiquette would certainly apply. Thank-you so much for your kindness, the generosity of your time, and your thought provoking comments, they are all welcomed and deeply appreciated!
Kristen
@Molly Kathleen - Thank you for the generosity of your time, your kindness, and your comments, they are all welcomed and deeply appreciated. As long as there are so many out there, like yourself, that realize the heart of the matter, then I am sure that we have a chance to turn it all around, and perhaps avoid my grandmother's grim prediction. Thank- you again!
Kristen
@Purple Perl- Thank you so much for the generosity of your time, your kindness, and your gracious comments, they are all so very welcome and deeply appreciated.
Kristen
@mommytalks - Thank you so very much for your kindness, and may I also say that I am very sorry for the recent loss of your mother. I lost mine at the age of eleven, and know from experience how deeply that cut goes, especially for a daughter. I too remember the insincerity of those who attended the wake and funeral of my mother, I think the younger you are the easier it is to spot it.... I had family members from my mother's family, who said to me at the wake, "don't worry, you are not alone, you have family," who I didn't see or hear from again for over 20 years, until the death of my grandmother (my mother's mother). It was this memory that sparked me to not make a big deal out of notifying some neighbors and "friends" of my parents, who hadn't in the past five years bothered to inquire about my father's health, even though they lived within walking distance. I preferred the idea of a smaller service with people in attendance who actually knew and cared about my father, to that of the SRO funeral of my mother, where there was so much insincere grief. When my mother died, my god-parents, who lived next door, hosted the wake after the funeral, because our home was under remodeling construction, and it was my god-mother who organized everything, and it was my god-mother who took me to the grave when my mother's headstone was placed, (my father, to the best of my knowledge never returned to the cemetery after my mother's funeral, because as he told me so often, she wasn't there.) When my mother died 32 years ago, people brought more food than my father, sister and I could eat; when my father died, it was only my two closest friends, and one neighbor who brought food. I don't think the song played on the guitar by the neighbor was cheesy, I think it was sweet, and knowing that your mother would like it that much makes it a fitting tribute. My father, a very proud United States Marine, taught my daughter the Marine Corp Hymn, she was the only kindergartner who began school knowing all the verses....She and two of her girlfriends sang the Marine Corp Hymn at my dad's funeral, He would have loved that. Thank you again for the generosity of your time and your comments, they are so very welcomed and appreciated.
Kristen
@Faithful Daughter - Thank you so very much for your kindness and your prayers, they are deeply appreciated. I completely understand what you are saying and am experiencing that in my own life now as, because someone in my life is so worried that she will be cheated out of her inheritance, she is making this time of grief so much worse than it has to be. I truly wish that everyone would stop worrying about what they are going to get when someone dies and give back the love and respect that they were shown during that person's life time by trying to act with a bit of decency and decorum. Thank you so much for the generosity of your time, and your comments, which are so appreciated!
Kristen
I am sorry to hear of your loss, it must be a very difficult time for yourself and your family.
My Grandmother died almost a month ago and this hub brought back some memories of my Grandma's funeral that even at the time made me think how inappropriate some people's behaviour and attitude was. For one after my Grandma was buried it was a time of reflection and memories of my Grandma. I wanted that moment, but all I have is a family member talking at the back about their new job and how much money they would be making. I was shocked that someone could be so inappropriate along with a family friend that dressed in a shirt un-tucked with jeans, what ever happened to Sunday best?
Thanks for a great hub, and congratulations for your hub of the day!
Hi, its a great article, bravo. But funeral or not it simply shocks me that manners seem to be an "oldfashioned" thing these days or even just a simple "cop-on" on how to behave respectful in certain situations. Its very poor that these days churches have to have a "no-mobile" sign on their doors. I am not going to mass that often but seing this on a little local church made me really wonder....
Sorry to read of your loss.
Great hub, very informative. These days people really do need to be told as they do not seem to learn basic skills like respect and manners.
I am very sorry for your loss and the experiences you have made. I have edited my previous comment but it did not go through :(
Reading through your article I thankfully have to say that I only seen this sort of behaviour in movies and hope it stays like this...
This hub showed up on the entry page "slideshow," and I am a new visitor to your writings.
I must begin by also extending my deepest sympathy and condolences on the loss of your father. I've been there myself; I know how painful the process is on so many levels.
But, my goodness! What an awful combination of experiences you were "treated" to in the realm of rude behavior!
It astonishes me how very self-centered people have become, and so attached to thier cell phones that the feel they cannot live without the thing. It is the new 'god,' I fear--the Almighty Cell Phone! At a funeral (or a wedding either) is indeed the worst possible place to be using this device. Even so, it seems to be coming more commonplace, and I do not understand.
I would go a step further, and say not only "don't answer the thing, or put it on silent" but turn it ALL THE WAY OFF, or leave it in the car's glovebox!! They DO come with voicemail--you can catch up with whomever it was later, at an appropriate time!
Even in the grocery store, there are people walking around shopping and talking. WHAT is so all-fired important that it cannot wait until you either get home or leave the store?!! BCP (Before Cell Phones), people interacted on a much more considerate level with each other. I wrote a hub on manners myself a few months back--it must speak to where we've come that it's one of my lowest-traffic pieces. Your grandmother was correct, and a very wise woman. With such topics, we seem to be preaching to the choir; those to whom the lesson is addressed don't seem to feel it is aimed at them, or worse, that they are exempt. (Perhaps you should e-mail the miscreants the link to your hub!) ;-)
My husband holds a Master's in Social Science..and often states, "It amazes me daily that we survive as a species!" I see his point. These rude folks are also with us driving down the roadways. And I have noted that most laws are created to substitute for two traits formerly thought to be "common:" sense, and decency.
Again, my condolences, and I agree with you at least 1000%. Voted up, useful, and awesome!
I'm so sorry for the loss of your father, and even sorrier that you had to bear witness to such rude behavior. It is sad that we even need to be reminded of these things that should be common sense. Thank you, for doing so, however, as it appears common sense is no longer very common. Voted up and useful!
I am sorry to hear about your loss. You raise some awesome points that people should consider when attending these services. It amazes me that people can be so selfish and inconsiderate to the grieving family. I also like the glossary of terms you added! Great Hub and congratulations on being selected for the Hub of the Day!
JSMatthew~
My sympathies on the passing of your father. And thank you for this well-written and timely hub. I observed many of the same behaviors-- people coming late, grubbing for the deceased person's belongings, etc.-- last fall when my grandfather died, and it was truly disheartening. Another common etiquette faux pas that I would add is the attitude of some relatives who may not have felt close to the deceased: "Well, I didn't know him/her very well, so I'm not coming to the funeral." I actually heard a relative of mine say something to this effect and it was really hurtful to me and to my other family members. When a relative or family friend dies, paying one's respects has little to do with how well you knew them or how close you felt to them-- it is about just that, paying one's respects, and also being there to show your support and love for the family of that person, who DID feel close to them. It seems to me that if neighbors and acquaintances are bringing food and calling on the family, the very least relatives can do is take an hour or two out of their busy day to show up to the funeral.
Thank you, while I disagree with some of the comments, it is about time someone brought this up. I have never known a child to be traumatized by a viewing, I went to them myself, it helped me understand what death was, and that is important, in fact I think it is a very healthy experience, only I think children should be taught what to expect and what will be expected of them, and parents of toddlers and younger should have enough respect for others to leave when they get fussy or distractive or find a sitter. Also, in my family it is customary to leave things in the casket of the deceased, who are you to say how close someone felt to a departed friend, co-worker or relitive? That is actually a problem I have seen in my extended family, one will say that another had no business being their or it was not their place to leave something, I feel that is just wrong, no one knows what is in another's heart. No, people should not even bring cell phones to a funeral or wake, much less answer them, especially without even the courtesy to leave so that others may reflect and say their good byes in peace. As for the wolves decending to fight over and claim things, it bothers me a ton, I cannot express how wrong that is, however, as far as feeling the need to take a small trinket, in my family, that is customary, in fact after my grandfathers funeral my grandmother had a table full of small tokens that had meaning to him and that may have meaning to others which she encouraged people to pick through, I thought this was a positive alternitive to having people look through her home as you said "like it is a walmart" everyone wants something physical to hold onto, it is part of the healing process.
Thank you for the generosity of your time, and your comments, they are both welcomed and appreciated. I agree with you, as in my family, we were taught that death is a part of life, and although never forced into going to viewings or funerals, I was always offered the option. My father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's related dementia, and I was his primary caregiver for the last five years of his life, as such, I moved my family home to my hometown, and into my childhood home in 2006, my youngest child, was born, in May of 2007, a little over a year before dad's diagnosis of Alzheimer's (Originally I moved back to take care of him because he was a fall risk, and as such they were trying to make him move into an assisted living facility, which he did not want to do.) Keeping my dad at home meant that my children interacted with him daily, daughter, now four years old, never knew a day of her life without him in it, and has always known that he was sick, and that he would one day die, and as she likes to put it, "go to live with my grandma-who-is-an-angel-in-heaven." My father died at home, and Jami was there when he died, and she chose to go in with her older sister and I to say good-bye to him before the mortuary came to get him. She also chose not to attend the viewing or the funeral....Her four year old reasoning being that she had already said good-bye to him, and that (in her words), "grandpa isn't there anymore, he has gone to live with my-grandma-who-is-an-angel-in-heaven." My belief is that the parent of the child in question should be the one to determine whether or not the said child should attend the viewing or funeral, (in our house we let the children decide), but that if the children do attend, then the parents should be responsible for their behavior. At my father's viewing, a one year old nephew was placed on top of my father's chest inside of the casket, which I thought to be uncalled for, and that same one year old was put down in the viewing room and left to wander about, disturbing others, without parental supervision. At a viewing down the hall, a group of older children were left to run up and down the hallway of the mortuary, hooting and hollering, and disturbing not only those at the viewing from which they came, but other families as well. In our family, we too put items into the casket, my father was buried with not only one of my son's baseball gloves, but his most recent game ball on which he had thanked his grandfather for inspiring him to play baseball to begin with, my daughter's pillow pet, that she always lent to him during long hospital stays, pictures drawn for him by my youngest daughter, photographs, a can of his favorite Chai Tea, letters from myself, my husband, my step-mother, and several friends, his cane, and his favorite hat, and we encouraged other's to do the same, even offering stationary and pens at the viewing. I simply said that in cases where you are not a family member, and may not know how that family feels, what their belief's are, or where there may be a religious objection, that it is inappropriate to do so without seeking permission or having permission offered. I believe in having keepsakes as much as the next person, and yes, people love to have something to hold on to, but really it isn't at all appropriate to ask for them during a condolence call, and really and truly, if you are not a family member or close friend, it isn't appropriate to ask at all. Having to decide to give possessions away prior to being ready to part with them, is not a nice alternative to having people "shop" your home for keepsakes. Especially when it is a behavior that shouldn't be practiced in the first place. Thanks again for your insightful and thought provoking comments!
Kristen
Excellant hub! and excellant because it is only the white culture that is uncomfortable with death ( generalising).
Having said that there is not right way to farewell a loved one ,except of course to the individual.
Its funny isnt it that we allow society to dictate such a final ceremony.
I hope my kids and loved one do whatever the hell the want too,whatever helps them!
Thankyou.
I am sorry for your loss, K. I lost my father back in 1999, and I think about him all of the time.
Unfortunately, everything you mentioned about the unacceptable behavior of others during a funeral or a memorial service is so true. I have attended enough funerals and memorial services in my lifetime, so I don't care to witness the circus. I have decided not to go to another funeral or memorial service. I don't even want one when I die. I have choices. I can either take time and remember the deceased. I can remember them and carry on--be a good person here on Earth since they are no longer with me. I will let them go, but also know they are no longer suffering or in pain. I have come to hate the drama which comes with the "mourners" who are not really mourning. They are only coming to the service to gossip, have a free meal, socialize with people they have not seen in years or check out the goods left behind. No, I do not want to sit through a cheesy Powerpoint presentation with photographs and a corny theme song in the background. I don't care for the crying or the widow draping herself over the coffin. When my time comes, scatter my ashes over my rosebushes in the front yard and call it a day. I don't want the mourners who make fools of themselves until the next funeral or memorial service. They are an insult to the dead as well as the living.
I can see why you were selected for the hub of the day. You are right on in your appropriate and inappropriate categories. It's amazing to me the rudeness of people. I'm sorry you lost your father. You and anyone else in mourning shouldn't have to put up with the insensitivity of other people. Hopefully, your hub will find its way to others who really NEED to read it. Great hub. Voted UP, useful, and awesome.
I've yet to attend a funeral where most of the issues have happened. One example of when then family didn't want black to be worn is when my choir friend lost her son in a tractor accident. The family was dutch and Scott loved orange so they asked people to wear orange. Those of us in the choir were the only ones wearing black-our uniform-and there was a sea of orange in the church.
I'm sorry that you had to put up with this behaviour at the funeral/services. I would have stopped the service, gone over to the person on the cell phone taken it and thrown it.
I'm so sorry to hear about your father. I'm sorry to hear that so many people exhibited such poor behavior during the funeral and the events around it. I'm fortunate to have not had to attend a lot of funerals in my life, but given the lack of etiquette in our society today, sadly it doesn't surprise me. Thanks for taking the time to spell everything out. Some of us do still appreciate the appropriate gestures. The least that I can do is pass on this knowledge the best that I can to my own kids someday.
I graduated from mortuary school over twenty years ago, and have spent 16 years in the business. I left it for several years after my mother died, and stepped back into it six years ago. During the time I've spent working services, visitations, wakes and attending to families, I've seen manners nearly dissolve in comparison to what was exhibited only two decades ago.
It's very sad, and makes it so difficult for the immediate family, as well as loved ones who are close to them, and truly have their best interest at heart.
Often I chalk it up to ignorance. But, unfortunately, just as often I can see that it isn't that. Many people simply don't care about the negative effect they're having on the survivors.
For all my experience and knowledge of this field, I couldn't have come close to putting together a more needed and more informative article than you did here.
I'm very sorry that you experienced so many negatives when you lost your dad. The loss alone is heartbreaking enough to contend with. I lost mine two years ago, and my heart goes out to you.
I hope many have the opportunity to read this. Ignorance, at least, can be diminished.
This is so well done. Both my mom and my mother-in-law passed this year. Though people did follow these guidelines, for which I am grateful, I can imagine many of these inappropriate things happening these days.
I was deeply impressed by the way that you turned a time of deep sorrow and an incident that caused you upset into such a positive. Please accept my condolences at this time as well.
Thank you for sharing such informative and concrete guidelines for helping people through loss. Not only did you explain how to behave with a sense of proper decorum at a time of loss, but you also went the extra mile in describing how to aid others during the funeral and gave concrete ideas for serving and offering sincere condolences.
I haven't been to many funerals but I'm probably one of the many who needed these practical guidelines. Thank you so much. I plan to share this with my friends.
@Leanne1783 - I am so sorry for your loss, your grandmother must have passed at about the same time as my dad. I sympathize with you, it is such a difficult time made only more difficult by the insensitivity of others. Thank you so much for your kindness, the generosity of your time and for your comments, they are all welcomed and deeply appreciated.
Kristen
Kristen,
I am so sorry for your loss and for the rudeness of others during this time for you. I agree that the loss of manners is a great loss of civil behavior at large. It is so frustrating to see how very inconsiderate the public have become.
Your hub was very informative and a good one to recommend to those who are inexperienced with funerals. I really like your setting forth the definitions of those terms. We so often assume that others know what we are talking about, but we are not necessarily passing that information on anymore. May God bless you with peace during this time.
Like the others, I thank you for sharing this hub and helping so many. I have a personal reason for bookmarking this. Bless you.
Thank you so much for this hub. I am going to send it to all of my family members. My sister-law is in hospice care. I have already had to mention to them about visiting and using their phones the entire time. I am so sorry you had to witness these things. I hope you find comfort in knowing you are helping so many people.
Peace to you and yours.
My condolences ma'am. It infuriates me to no end to the fact that poeple today are less considerate than years before. As a 29 year old former Marine, I get more and more angry to the lack of thoughtfulness in parents instruction. I would love to take some of them through the boot camp I went through in 2000. Great post! Best wishes to you and your family! P.S. I saw one of your pictures and I hope I was not mistaken to see a Marine Corps ensign next to your fathers casket. Semper Fidelis to you! My salute to your father!
@Slightly Bonkers - It is both a shocking and sad commentary on the state of civilization.... Thank you so much for the generosity of your time, your kindness, and your comments, they are all welcomed and deeply appreciated.
Kristen
@Violet - It is so sad that so many children are not taught proper etiquette and basic good manners anymore, and that they grow up into adults who don't know how to behave in public. Thank you for the generosity of your time, and your comments, they are both welcomed and appreciated.
Kristen
@DzyMsLizzy - Thank you so much for your kindness. It does seem to me that progress in the realm of technology is not necessarily a good thing. I often leave my cell phone on silent in my pocket or in my purse, usually because of my children, but I don't answer it in a meeting, in a movie theater, at a table, and most certainly not at a funeral. In any of those cases, were I too glance at it and see that it was one of my children or my sitter (my youngest is 4) I would certainly excuse myself and answer it elsewhere. I agree with you that sometimes it is like preaching to the choir, but hopefully there are enough of us in the choir, that good manners and etiquette will not become a "dead" art. Thank you so much for the generosity of your time, and for your gracious comments, they are both welcomed and deeply appreciated.
Kristen
@sunflowerbucky- I have to agree with you, what we once thought of as "common knowledge" does not appear to be so common anymore. Thank you so very much for the generosity of your time, your kindness, and your comments, they are all welcomed and very appreciated.
Kristen
@J.S.Matthew - Thank you so much for your kindness, the generosity of your time, and the graciousness of your comments, they are all both welcomed and deeply appreciated. Selfishness, greed, narcissism, all of these things seem to play into the way that people behave in these situations....A long way from the values I was brought up to believe in. Thanks again.
Kristen
Hmm, really great post I think
@laura143- My sympathies on the loss of your grandfather. The selfish and and narcissistic behavior of others only serves to make the grieving process more painful for those who are in mourning. Thank your so much for the generosity of your time, your kindness, and the graciousness of your comments, they are all both welcomed and appreciated.
Kristen
@Eaglekiwi - My father always taught us that life is for the living and that life must go on. Funerals aren't really for the deceased as much as they are for the survivors, who need comfort and closure, and an outlet for their grief. It isn't so much about telling people how to mourn as much as it is about telling people how to respect those who are mourning. Thank you so much for the generosity of your time, your kindness, and your comments, they are all both welcomed and appreciated.
Kristen
@Arlene V. Poma - Everyone has to mourn in their own way. I experienced a lot of that insincere mourning when my mother passed away, ( I was eleven), and vowed not to have it again at my father's funeral, and to that end, I didn't make a big deal out of informing people who really didn't matter in my dad's life, the neighbors and people who claimed my parents as friends, but who hadn't bothered to inquire as to his health in the last five years while I was caring for him, but did whisper loudly behind my back that I was there for less than honorable reasons, etc. Instead of my mother's SRO funeral, I chose to invite only those who really knew my father, of course there are some people, especially family members, whom you just cannot get away from and must be endured. My seventeen year old son and his best friend, created that cheesy PowerPoint presentation that you mentioned and it was a beautiful tribute to a man that my son loved very much. My sixteen year old daughter and her two best girl friends, sang the Marine Corp Hymn (all three girls are members of their high school show choir, so they weren't flat or off key) which my father taught my daughter before she could walk, another fitting tribute by a young woman who was once the child whom we called my father's "constant companion," she also loved this man very much. I gave my father's eulogy, and my step-mother spoke eloquently about their life together and how much she would miss this man whom she knew to be her soul mate. At the graveside service, my father was escorted by military escort to his final resting place, something he earned with his sacrifice and service to this country, there was a 21 gun salute and his flag was presented to me and to my family. Something that he also earned. When it was over, yes, some people did come back to my home for that free meal, but in return, they shared their stories of my dad, their memories, and I shared mine, and we shed some more tears, and we laughed quite a bit, and because I chose to keep things small, there was nothing but love in the air. You may want to avoid a service and all, and that is fine, it is your choice, but what of those whom you've left behind? The truth is that the funeral service, the viewing, the burial, those aren't really for the deceased, they are for the living who need to say good-bye to have closure, and an outlet for their grief. Thank you for the generosity of your time, your kindness, and your thought provoking comments, they are all welcomed and deeply appreciated.
Kristen
I'm sorry for your loss. Some people can really be rude and inconsiderate.
A decade ago, I lost two of my relatives due to a fire incident. One of my relatives had brought their kids to the wake. While I was trying to hold back my tears, those relatives started giving out birthday invitations to us. They told us not to miss their daughter's birthday party that was going to take place soon. I was very angry, but I just kept quiet. Everyone was upset, and I didn't want to make it worse by making a scene.
Thanks for sharing this hub. I will teach these things to my children in the future so they wouldn't turn out "uncivilized."
@cheerfulnuts, I can't imagine anyone could be so crass and insensitive to bring birthday party invites to a wake, but the "scene" was already "made", so even if you didn't want to make it worse, someone else should've taken the clod aside and given her a refresher course in funeral etiquette. Or simply asked her and her darlings to leave. She obviously wasn't there out of respect for the two deceased relatives or the feelings of the rest of the family.
@Victoria Lynn - Thank you so much for your kindness. It is a most definitely true that when people behave in such an inappropriate manner, it does make a very sad situation that much worse. Thank you for the generosity of your time, and for your gracious comments, they are both welcomed, and deeply appreciated.
Kristen
@FloraBreenRobinson - I was so horrified by that person's behavior that I couldn't think straight, but now that you mentioned it, throwing their phone would have given me great satisfaction. I think that wearing a favorite color of the deceased, especially when the deceased is a child, is a very nice gesture. Thank you for the generosity of your time and for your comments, they are both welcomed and appreciated.
Kristen
@randomcreative - Thank you so much for your kindness, the generosity of your time, and for your comments, all of which are both welcomed and deeply appreciated. With you and others of like mind, perhaps my grandmother's prediction of the fall of civilization will not happen after all.
Thanks again,
Kristen
@femmeflashpoint - It is true, I have seen the erosion of manners and thoughtfulness myself,just in the time between my mother's death in 1978 and my father's death 32 years later, and I know for a fact that you are right, sometimes it is driven by pure thoughtlessness and lack of consideration. Thank you so much for your kindness, the gift of your time, and for the graciousness of your comments, they are all truly welcomed and deeply appreciated.
Kristen
@Sinea Pies - I am so sorry for your recent losses. I lost my own mother when I was 11, and truly believe that no matter your age, the loss of ones mother is a devastating blow, but even more so for a daughter. Thank you so much for your kindness, the generosity of your time, and for your comments, they are all welcomed and deeply appreciated.
Kristen
@wannabwestern - Thank you for your gracious comments, your kind words, and the generosity of your time, all of which are welcomed and deeply appreciated. I am glad that you found this piece both informative and helpful. Thanks again,
Kristen
@prektjr.dc - It is my feeling as well, that we are less and less passing on this information to the next generation, which leads me to wonder where we will be in twenty-five years? Thank you so much for your kind words, the gift of your time, and your gracious comments, they are all both welcomed and very much appreciated.
Kristen
@akune - Thank you so much for the generosity of your time, and for your comments, they are both welcomed and appreciated.
Kristen
@lisa.bom - I am so terribly sorry that your family is going through such a difficult time right now, and I sympathize with your dilemma, people being unable to put their phones down for two seconds was also an issue when my dad was under hospice and in the hospital. Thank you so much for the generosity of your time, and for your comments, they are both welcomed and deeply appreciated.
Kristen
@KateWest - Thank you for the generosity of your time, your comment, and your kindness, they are all welcomed and deeply appreciated.
Kristen
@Jkern - My father had three great loves in his life, (not counting my sister, myself, or his grandchildren), They were, my mother, my step-mother, and the United States Marine Corp. He was seventeen when he entered MCRD in April of 1951, and he was buried with full military honors sixty years later. He credited the Corp. for making him into a man. My sixteen year old daughter sang the Marine Corp Hymn at his funeral, because he taught it to her before she could walk, and she began kindergarten in a DOD school, (My husband is US Navy, (ret.)) of mostly Navy children, the only five year old who could sing the Marine Corp Hymn. If he were here, he would tell you, "there is no such thing as a former Marine." To him, though you are a stranger, you would have been brethren. It is absolutely true that children only practice what they are taught, and so if our children are not taught to behave appropriately, they no only will not themselves, they will also be unable to pass that knowledge to the next generation. Thank you so much for the generosity of your time, your gracious comments, your thoughtfulness, and your service, they are each of them welcomed and deeply appreciated. Semper Fidelis!
Kristen
@Hashirraja - Thank you so much for the generosity of your time and your comments, they are both welcomed and appreciated.
Kristen
@cheerfulnuts - Their behavior was not only unacceptable, but was also incredibly thoughtless! I am so very sorry that you and your family had to endure that behavior at such a sad time. Perhaps by the will of those who,like yourself, are willing to make the effort to educate their children and pass these lessons on to the next generation, we can change the current path that we are on. Thank you for the generosity of your time, your kindness, and your comments, they are all welcomed and deeply appreciated
Kristen
Thank you.
@Sandyksk - You are welcome.
@JamaGenee: Thanks so much for your concern. I was young back then. Although I felt that it was wrong, I knew nothing about funeral etiquette that time. I've never liked those relatives. I hope that such things wouldn't happen again.
I would like to offer you my deepest and heartfelt sympathies for your loss. I send you a hug as comfort and I say a prayer that you will find peace. I am sure that your dad has been promoted to Angel. I think it is appalling that some folks can be so crude of other’s pain. I had a similar untactful and very inappropriate situation happen at my sister’s and mother’s funeral years back. I no longer speak to those who treated the funeral like their local K-mart. God Bless you!
My sympathies at the loss of your father. Sending out a virtual hug to you. I agree completely with everything you said in this hub, and I have had my own bad experiences with inappropriate behavior at funerals. People just don't seem to care anymore about respect and proper behavior, of course I've seen a lot of things happen at weddings too that just makes me want to go over to the guilty person and slap them silly! I mean, really, is there any phone call so important that it can't wait thru a funeral or a wedding to be answered. oh well, this is a BIG pet peeve of mine so best to not get me started.
@Jo_Goldsmith11 - Thank you so much for your kind words and your prayers, they are deeply appreciated. In spite of the fact that they are family, I have also decided to cut my losses and no longer speak to those who disrupted my father's service and attempted to turn it into a three ring circus. Thank you again for the generosity of your time, and your gracious comments!
Kristen
I have split from family members who were only causing me pain as well.
love my yorkies - Thank you so much for your kindness, the generosity of your time, and your comments, they are always welcome and deeply appreciated. The lack of manners and etiquette today is very disturbing to me, and people and cell phones are the worst. I have two teenagers and a four year old, and often I leave my phone on silent in my purse or pocket during meetings, movies, and I confess, church, funerals and weddings, but only if my children are elsewhere and not with me. That said, I would never answer it in any of these places, I won't even answer it at the table when out to lunch or dinner with friends or family, unless it is one of the kids or the sitter, but even then, I excuse myself and go outside....It really comes down to a matter of common decency and common sense. Thanks again,
Kristen
@FloraBreenRobison - Sometimes it becomes a matter of self-preservation, and there really is not other choice. I am sorry that it had to come to that, but sometimes there is just no other way.
Thanks for commenting
Kristen
Self-preservation. Yes, sadly, sometimes there is no other way. Been there, done that. ;D
This hub made me think, "Well, I thought I've heard it all.." This is always a tough subject. I have not been to a lot of funerals in my life - a few for grandparents, one for a 3-year old and one for a mother with young kids. I cannot imagine if people used cell phones or other technology during calling hours or the funeral. How awful that would be!
@ktrapp - It is said that truth is stranger than fiction, and I've seen cell phones used in a lot of places that were inappropriate or just down right rude, but I never in a million years thought that I would be writing about one of my own family members talking on their cell phone,during my father's funeral...Sad but true. Thank you for the generosity of your time and your comments, they are both welcomed and appreciated.
Kristen
My prayer are with you on your loss, K. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this very informative hub. I also lost one twin son and a father. I so much believe in the power of prayers as in John 15:7, Jesus said, “If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.” Even for our dearly departed, God listens to us when we are in Christ. And with the love that we have for them, God listens in Christ, his mercy and forgiveness outpours as his love endures forever. Often times, I offer mass cards or prayer petitions with priests, nuns and the laity helping pray, and with our spirit being one with Christ in solemn prayer, God listens, through Christ our Lord and Savior, who is the atoning sacrifice for all our sins, in his greatness and ever loving heart, he "speaks to the Father in our defense," as in 1 John 2:1-6.
This was a great article. I wish people could have seen it before my father passed away in January of this year. Many of the things you mentioned, I witnessed myself. At my fathers funeral, and at the other two funerals I have attended this year, I have noticed that the funeral itself isn't conducted like the funerals I've been to in the past. At all the other funerals I've been to (quite alot I hate to say), the pastor talked about the deceased mostly. But the three funerals I've been to this year, if it hadn't been for the casket, you would have thought you were at a revival meeting. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I believe the funeral should be about the deceased and to help the family cope with the loss. But on the other hand, if my death can help bring someone to the lord, then I don't mind having a revival.
@Edwinoel Tanglao - Thank you so much for your kindness, the generosity of your time and for your comments, they are all welcomed and deeply appreciated.
Kristen
@Andy - I am so sorry for your loss, losing a parent is such a very sad time. I know what you are talking about when it comes down to the funeral service becoming more of a revival...A lot of my dad's service was centered on helping his grandchildren get through this, my father was a Marine, and taught my middle child the Marine Corp Hymn when she was four, so she and two of her friends sang the Marine Corp Hymn, and my son and his best friend put together a beautiful PowerPoint tribute to my dad. We did have a call to the altar at the end, but it was a very small part of his service. Thank you so much for you kindness, the generosity of your time, and for your comments, they are all very much welcomed and appreciated.
Kristen
I very much like writing an article which teaches us how to behave to a situation like this.
4x4 Costa Rica
@Karoline - Thank you so much for the generosity of your time, and your comments, they are welcomed and deeply appreciated.
Kristen
Hello, K. Burns Darling,
Thank you for writing and publishing this timely and very important post.
I recently attended a funeral and was shocked by some of the attire I saw. Some of the men were wearing short pants and some of the women were wearing spaghetti-strap summer dresses and flip-flops.
And yes, cell phones were going off all over the place.
Ain't anybody's mamas teaching them good manners anymore?
@feenix - I am not sure about some of the other's mamas, but this mama has taught her children well, and I am oddly both proud and a little bit perplexed to say that my teenagers and their friends who attended my dad's funeral were some of the best behaved people there. The sound of flip flops coming up the aisle of the church during a moment of silence and reflection were most distressing and too much for my sense of decorum! At least there are a few of us left who were taught right from wrong, maybe between us we can keep the civilized world from perishing all together.
Thank you so much for the gift of your time and your gracious comments, they are both welcomed and appreciated.
You and I must be twin sisters of different mothers as I could have written this article - albeit, not nearly as well or politically correct. I find it abominable how society has forgotten their manners - from opening doors for the elderly to give up a seat on the subway to someone who needs it more.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. As the caregiver to my elderly mom, and one who lost her own father 5 years ago, I feel your pain.
You've written an article that should be required reading.
@gottaloveit - I couldn't agree with you more, society has forgotten its manners, and we are that much worse for it. I had an odd moment of mixed confusion and pride when I realized that my teenagers and their friends were some of the most well behaved people at my father's funeral. They had better manners and followed proper etiquette better than some people who were more than twice their age! My 17 year old actually felt compelled to pull one of his aunts off to the side because she was making such a scene, and ask her politely and quietly to please remember that the funeral was about his grandfather, and her father, and not her. It didn't work, but I was proud, and somewhat stunned that he made the effort. Thank you so very much for your kindness, the gift of your time, and for your generous comments, they are all welcomed and very deeply appreciated.
Kristen
I would like to extend my deepest sympathy for the loss of your father. What a timely hub. Thank you for such a well written article on such a sacred topic. You hit the nail right on the head. A funeral is a homegoing service for our loved ones that should be treated with the utmost respect. I have been to some funeral services that were a complete disaster to say the least. It just made me hold my head down in shame to see how some people carry on. Hopefully, one day our society will get back to the basics of learning proper funeral etiquette. Be blessed.
@nina64 - Thank you for the generosity of your time, your kindness, and your comments, they are both welcomed and deeply appreciated. I just don't know what has happened to us as a society that there is this lack of consideration for the feelings of others, especially during a time of mourning....As you said, hopefully one day we will find our way back. Thanks again,
Kristen
Thank you for this thorough and informative hub. I have the misfortune of attending a wake this afternoon. While much of this is common sense, it is good to have the reminder and reinforcement about proper behavior.
Dixie 8 months ago
Thank you for another insightful, moving and interesting articlr.